Sisters

I have three sisters. They are wonderful and unique. My older sister, Dorothea Hazelnut was shopping in the city one day and decided to stay overnight because she was just plain worn out from all that shopping. She checked into the Ritz Carlton and while waiting for the bell hop to gather her shopping bags took it upon herself to pick her nose and distribute the boogey under the cute little accent table next to the sofa. Well, as we all know, you don’t deface the lobby accent pieces at the Ritz. The Manager, Gustav Von Pattycake happened to be swirling by just as she was picking and placing. Well……he just about had a coronary. Thank God Tippy, the bell hop was there to catch him or he would have just collapsed on to the parquet floor. Needless to say my poor sister was thrown out into the street and banned from the Ritz. To make matters worse it suddenly began to rain. Not just a drizzle. Torrents and buckets of water saturated my poor sister. Her shopping bags began to come apart and all her newly purchased items were drenched. She tried to hail a cab but as luck had it there were none available. She ran into a little mini mart purchased a Hefty bag and deposited all her many, many sopping wet shopping bags along with the sopping wet items in it. She then headed for the train station deciding the best thing to do is just go home. Before she took 3 steps she was mugged and her purse was ripped from her grip knocking her down. On the way down she somehow smacked her face on a hotdog wagon and knocked out her two front teeth injuring her jaw. One of the pretzels from the hot dog wagon dislodged it’s self during this fiasco and got stuck in the blood on the side of my sisters face. The hot dog vendor thought she was stealing (because of course, being a New Yorker, did not notice my sister had been mugged) and began hitting her with his mustard container. My sister was in a state of pure panic. The police show up and began questioning her while all the while the hot dog man is screaming and telling the police she was trying to rob him (hey, just like Dad and Grandpa!). She is trying to tell them she is the victim here but alas, with a swollen jaw and no front teeth all she could do was babble like a drunk. But all was not lost. The police officers, kindly gents as they were, felt bad for my sister and did the right thing (or so they thought) and decided to take her to a homeless shelter.
Sitting in the patrol car and determined to make the officers understand that she was NOT homeless she tried to explain. But some things never change and appearance is everything. Becoming extremely agitated and sounding more crazy them homeless –yep, you guessed it – off to the psycho ward. She’s still there. And this happened 3 months ago. She’s very much loved by her family but we all feel that this was a golden opportunity to teach her a very valuable lesson. She just spends way too much money on her shopping sprees. But being the loving family that we are we’re claiming her so she can come home for Thanksgiving. Actually, the day before, I mean we’re not doing all that cooking.